Sunday, December 8, 2013

I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT A MURDER!!!

Yes, folks, this weekend I was on the scene of the most heinous crime!!! Not something that happens a lot, thank goodness, but I have a horrid feeling the frequency is increasing and this scares the willies out of me.

It occurred at somewhere around 14:30pm, Saturday afternoon. I was in our nearby hardware mega store (which shall remain nameless but for the purposes of this report will be referred to as Home Depot). The hubs and I had done the usual stuff, browsed, wandered, separated and met back up three aisles down, and had a carriage with a few odds and ends in it that we needed. Extra Christmas lights for outdoors, an outdoors timer, a fancy multi-tasking screwdriver as a Christmas gift, a chain saw, and a plumbing fixture.  You know, all the normal things one buys in a store like that.

Then, as we neared the checkout, we sensed trouble. There were lots of people. There were blue orchids. (Yes, blue. I have no idea why or how, so please don't ask.) There were several massive palettes displaying tool boxes that would have thrilled the Incredible Hulk, providing he lived in a mansion the size of Buckingham Palace with a garage to match.

But there were no registers without lines. So we opted for the "Self Checkout" line and within moments were at the register.  And THAT'S when we saw it.

THE MURDER.

Clear, in front of us, was the moldering corpse of the ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

I wish I had photographed the sign next to the register. I truly wish I had. It was excruciatingly, agonizingly unbelievable.  The best I can do is reproduce it here, which is probably a good thing, since I'd hate to offend anyone's sensibilities at this time of year. And it was hard to look out without vomiting.  Here's what it said:

DONT EXCEPT NO CASH
CREDIT/DEBIT ONLY

To say I was distraught...well, that's an understatement. By the time he'd paid for our stuff and gotten me to the car, I was pretty much not breathing. I'd never seen such grotesquerie, such appalling horror displayed in public. Where CHILDREN could see it. Where tender elderly folks could be shocked into cardiac arrest.  I damn near had a coronary myself.

It took a few minutes of pacing, breathing, practicing relaxation techniques and a leftover dark chocolate Hershey kiss to get me calmed down. I mumbled all the way home. And as I sat in front of my monitor last night, working on my latest book, I had to wonder.

Is it worth it? Why am I writing? Who is going to be left to read my books in the future when spelling is irrelevant, word usage practices become - well, pick one that sounds close, it'll do - and anything with more than two syllables or 145 characters is obsolete.

Do I need to point out the wounds on the corpse? Of course not. The double negative is obvious and you don't need Luminol or forensic crime scene photos to spot the egregious error in confusing ACCEPT with EXCEPT.

Whoever was responsible for this notice (neatly written, I will say, in black marker) needs a refresher course in English grammar. Their TEACHERS need a boot up their academic asses. The Store itself, I HOPE, hadn't seen it before it was scotch-taped to the register. Because if any manager saw it and ignored the mutilation of the fundamental means of communication, then laceration with sharp exclamation points is too gentle a punishment.

This can't go on, people. Not if we want to continue to read books and speak to each other using words we can all understand. So let's try and make an effort. Let's use
And let's make sure there are NO ACCEPTIONS.   LOL

Thank you for your attention. You may now resume your regularly scheduled activities.

(PS. Funeral services will be announced later. NOT on Twitter.)


Sahara Kelly