Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My Favorite Christmas Story (not for the kiddies)

There are many tales told at this time of year; traditional ones around a fireplace or a tree and others new, intriguing and destined to become tomorrow's classics. I have ONE Christmas story I heard many years ago. It always makes me laugh and always will. It's not new so if you've heard it before, I apologize. But bear with me. Because I'm having enormous amounts of fun just telling it!!!

A long time ago at the North Pole...

It was Christmas Eve. And as you can imagine, an extremely busy time. For Santa, however, things weren't going so well. He managed to struggle into his pants, but he'd gained a few pounds and the rear seam split, revealing his cartoon underwear.

When asked to help, Mrs. Claus screeched like a banshee about his carelessness, his weight and the fact he kept her up with his snoring the night before. It was her time-of-the-month, and he swore if she'd had a gun, she'd have shot him dead for this minor little snag. Escaping with a safety-pinned ass and a (thankfully) whole skin, he hurried to his kitchen for a quick belt of courage. The bottle of courage was almost gone so he dispensed with a glass and raised it to his lips, only to have the window blow open at that very moment. He jumped, dropped the bottle, saw it shatter on the floor, then cut his foot as he rushed for the broom.

It just got better for Santa. An owl flew in through the open window with a note addressed to him. It was the renewal contract from the Elf Union (Local 001). Their terms had been renegotiated and where the hell he was supposed to get full health care benefits for so little, Santa didn't have a fucking clue. And if he didn't...they'd strike.

He limped to his boots, cursed his bleeding toe as he pulled them on and finally buttoned his jacket over his expanding tummy with difficulty. Making a note to cut down on the cookies this year, he stepped out to the stable, only to be greeted with sharp ugly snarls from Donner and Blitzen. Vixen had apparently chosen this of all nights to go into heat and the two males were about to butt antlers over the honor of doing her under the Christmas Eve stars.

Resisting the impulse to just call off the whole thing and have reindeer steaks for dinner, Santa managed to get his team under control and led them to the sleigh. Wisely, he put Vixen up front where the guys would scent her, thus ensuring record speeds as they traversed the globe. Unfortunately, his maintenance elf was out with the flu, so nobody had fixed the splinter on the seat of the sleigh, which promptly spiked Santa's ample butt next to the safety pins. A bit of the runner fell off and slithered through his open door into the hall, from whence a shrill scream emanated. Mrs. Claus peered out, face furious, waving a rolling pin and with the runner stuck up her skirt.

Santa sighed. He was about at the end of his tether.

At that moment, an adorable glowing angel trotted up to Santa's door, trailing a perfect fir tree behind her. "Hello Santa", said the lovely little thing. "I just knew you'd want to see this. Isn't it the most wonderful Christmas tree you've ever seen?" She waved her hand, scattering glowing particles over the tree and making Prancer sneeze. Santa gritted his teeth.

"Now," said the angel with a satisfied smile. "Where would you like me to put it?"

And that, my friends, is how the angel ended up on top of the Christmas Tree!

Wishing you all a wonderful Holiday with family and friends. May your days be a lot less stressful than this particular Santa, and may NOBODY tell you where to put your Christmas tree. LOLLOL

Cheers to all,


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