Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sahara's Suggestions for Additional Health Care Reforms

We've been inundated recently with a whole lot of flapdoodle about Health Care Reform. Most of it was overactive hyperbole spouted by folks standing in front of the media and announcing themselves as "speaking for the American people", bullshit because they sure weren't speaking for ME, and I'm an American person.

However, I do have a few ideas on how to raise some cash to help defray the costs of making this country a healthier place for all of us.

Addendum Number One.

Every time a physician uses the phrase "lose weight and exercise more", they should be fined $1000.00. Without exception. I'd agree to knocking off 10% for those few doctors who actually make useful suggestions on how to accomplish this. But for the most part, simply being told to eat less and exercise more is frustrating for both parties. If it really was that easy, we'd all be wearing size 8 dresses.

Addendum Number Two.

Charge for the use of three little words. Lay another fine on every physician who uses the phrase "at your age" to a patient over...twenty? Double that fine when it is followed by "we really should do the XXXXX test." (XXXX stands for everything that is mandated by age, rather than patient history/family history/or current symptoms.) Let's stop this process of treating patients by the calendar. Statistical medicine should be low in importance when measured against the real patients, sitting with their fannies wafting in the breeze and looking their doctor in the eye. Obviously mammograms and pap tests should be encouraged, and yes...age is a factor. But once a baseline has been established, let's not rush right on to the next stage simply because some invisible age barrier has been crossed. Let's look at the PATIENT, not the calendar.

Addendum Number Three.

Initiate a civil lawsuit against whoever designed patient johnnies. The snaps never work, the paper ones rip if you look at them the wrong way and you still end up mostly naked and embarrassed, with bits of torn tissue adhering to places you can't reach without an enormous degree of awkwardness. Demand $100.00 from the manufacturers for every patient who has to wear one, add another fifty bucks fee if it's paper and it rips, and require the company managers to spend one day a week in 'em. Guarantee the design will improve.

Addendum Number Four

Fines for the following misdemeanors. $20.00 for every fifteen minutes past the time of your appointment that you're kept waiting. $50.00 for each copy of Golf Digest you see in the waiting room, and an additional fine of $25.00 if their copy of People Magazine is more than a month old and you've already read it. A $100.00 fine if you see a copy of "Parents" magazine and you're in the waiting room of anything but a Pediatrician. Odds are good you wouldn't be a parent again if someone held a gun to your head.

Last but not least..

Any health care plan that offers on-line assistance but makes it impossible to either log in or find said assistance is fined $25,000. This is inexcusable in this day and age when teenagers text with two fingers and tweet with three others, simultaneously. There's no reason a health care provider can't produce a log-in page that works or links that actually take you somewhere you need to go. Shame on you folks. We're sure as hell paying you enough to hire a decent website designer.

So there they are, a few of my thoughts about continuing to reform Health Care. It'll probably never be a perfect system, nor will it satisfy everyone. (Attn: Republicans. Stop trying to mess up progress, please. We didn't like everything you did, either.) Overall, we've got a good system going, but there's room for improvement. I hope Congress will take note of my suggestions. If not, I'd like to see THEM in those johnnies for a day.

Or maybe not...