Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Day Three of My New Life, or Musings on Humans from a kitty's perspective.

Hello, my name is Odin. A god's name, so quite appropriate for me, since I am a cat (or will be soon) and my people were once revered as gods.

I want to tell you about my new life. I picked my humans on the weekend, and - obedient to my will - they brought me here, to my new home.  I like it. There's lots of room to run around, lots of toys to play with and always lots of cuddles.  My Daddy is very big but laughs when I chew the laces on his sneakers. He's gentle even though he has a loud voice and when I got tired he let me sleep tucked under his chin. It was warm.

My sister (huh) Simone, doesn't like me. She says rude things in cat, and must have a cold since she clears her throat a lot. I have tried to show her how to play with all the toys and even tried to help her learn how to play with me. She didn't like that either. But this morning we both had our breakfasts in the same room. She was down the other end, of course. And I like helping her, since if she doesn't manage to eat everything, I'll go and finish it for her. It's the least I can do. And because I'm only two pounds, Mummy says I need some meat on my bones. I do wait until she's not looking to eat sister's breakfast, but I know she wouldn't mind too much.

I love my Mummy human. She plays with me and holds me when I get sleepy. She has nice gentle hands and wears fluffy things at night that I like to knead. It helps me sleep. She stays with me so I'm always happy and safe, and even though I know she loves sister too, I feel like I'm her special boy. She says she's happy I'm here and that I'm going to have the best life now, since mine didn't get off to a very good start. She's a good mummy. I don't remember my own. I just know I'm very glad to be living with these humans and finding out what it means to be loved even though I don't look like the other kitties. I don't think anyone cared about me before. They took one of my eyes out because it was sick, but I never got this kind of love.

I try and entertain them in return - last night I played hide and seek with Mummy and she couldn't find me anywhere. I was behind the game box in the entertainment unit place. She couldn't see me and walked right past me. It was very funny until I realized I was stuck and couldn't get out. So finally I had to scrabble around and she came and got me out. She said she was worried about me, and I felt bad, but then she kissed me and cuddled me and it was all good. We went to sleep together on the big couch thing. I heard Mummy's back crick and she woke up, sniffed, coughed and told me I was her precious little stinker. I can't help it if this new food gives me a little bit of gas, now, can I?

I have a doctor human too. Yesterday I went to see her. The place smelled nasty but they were quite nice until I had to drink yucky stuff to make my tummy okay. I don't want worms, whatever they are. The doctor human told Mummy and Daddy that I was a bit small for my age - hey human, I'm a god, remember... but that I was perfectly healthy. Even though I only have one eye. She loved the furry tufts in my ears and said I might have a bit of Maine Coon cat in me, even though I have a tail. I'm not sure what that meant, but I will assume Maine Coon is a god too.

Mummy keeps trying to take pictures of me, because I am so handsome I suppose. But I have a lot to do, toys to play with, new places to explore, piss the hell out of sister, and of course my routine perimeter checks. No time to pose for her camera thing. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to get up to that really flat place where there are good food smells. I just can't quite make it yet. But I will.

So far, my life here is pretty cool. My humans love me, my sister...well, I'll win her over at some point...and I have a real nice place to play in, sort of like my own personal Valhalla. I'm a lucky kitty. Fortunately, they didn't call me Lucky. I mean really. I'm a god.  Odin has a much better ring to it, don't you think?

I have to go now. Mummy has laces on her shoes that need to be chewed. I have to show her how to do it properly. And then we'll take a nap. She says I wear her out and drive her to drink. I show her my water bowl. I'll share. I'm good that way.

Purrs and snuggles,

Odin

(Mummy says I am funny when I sleep. She should see what SHE looks like. Hah.)


(If you have room in your home and your heart, please consider offering a furrever home to a fellow feline?  I shudder to think what would have happened to Odin if we hadn't fallen in love with his little cockeyed face. Adoption is easy and not that expensive. All reputable adoption centers ensure the animal's health and - like Odin - spay and neuter prior to adoption.     Thank you.
Odin's Mummy)

Sunday, December 8, 2013

I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT A MURDER!!!

Yes, folks, this weekend I was on the scene of the most heinous crime!!! Not something that happens a lot, thank goodness, but I have a horrid feeling the frequency is increasing and this scares the willies out of me.

It occurred at somewhere around 14:30pm, Saturday afternoon. I was in our nearby hardware mega store (which shall remain nameless but for the purposes of this report will be referred to as Home Depot). The hubs and I had done the usual stuff, browsed, wandered, separated and met back up three aisles down, and had a carriage with a few odds and ends in it that we needed. Extra Christmas lights for outdoors, an outdoors timer, a fancy multi-tasking screwdriver as a Christmas gift, a chain saw, and a plumbing fixture.  You know, all the normal things one buys in a store like that.

Then, as we neared the checkout, we sensed trouble. There were lots of people. There were blue orchids. (Yes, blue. I have no idea why or how, so please don't ask.) There were several massive palettes displaying tool boxes that would have thrilled the Incredible Hulk, providing he lived in a mansion the size of Buckingham Palace with a garage to match.

But there were no registers without lines. So we opted for the "Self Checkout" line and within moments were at the register.  And THAT'S when we saw it.

THE MURDER.

Clear, in front of us, was the moldering corpse of the ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

I wish I had photographed the sign next to the register. I truly wish I had. It was excruciatingly, agonizingly unbelievable.  The best I can do is reproduce it here, which is probably a good thing, since I'd hate to offend anyone's sensibilities at this time of year. And it was hard to look out without vomiting.  Here's what it said:

DONT EXCEPT NO CASH
CREDIT/DEBIT ONLY

To say I was distraught...well, that's an understatement. By the time he'd paid for our stuff and gotten me to the car, I was pretty much not breathing. I'd never seen such grotesquerie, such appalling horror displayed in public. Where CHILDREN could see it. Where tender elderly folks could be shocked into cardiac arrest.  I damn near had a coronary myself.

It took a few minutes of pacing, breathing, practicing relaxation techniques and a leftover dark chocolate Hershey kiss to get me calmed down. I mumbled all the way home. And as I sat in front of my monitor last night, working on my latest book, I had to wonder.

Is it worth it? Why am I writing? Who is going to be left to read my books in the future when spelling is irrelevant, word usage practices become - well, pick one that sounds close, it'll do - and anything with more than two syllables or 145 characters is obsolete.

Do I need to point out the wounds on the corpse? Of course not. The double negative is obvious and you don't need Luminol or forensic crime scene photos to spot the egregious error in confusing ACCEPT with EXCEPT.

Whoever was responsible for this notice (neatly written, I will say, in black marker) needs a refresher course in English grammar. Their TEACHERS need a boot up their academic asses. The Store itself, I HOPE, hadn't seen it before it was scotch-taped to the register. Because if any manager saw it and ignored the mutilation of the fundamental means of communication, then laceration with sharp exclamation points is too gentle a punishment.

This can't go on, people. Not if we want to continue to read books and speak to each other using words we can all understand. So let's try and make an effort. Let's use
And let's make sure there are NO ACCEPTIONS.   LOL

Thank you for your attention. You may now resume your regularly scheduled activities.

(PS. Funeral services will be announced later. NOT on Twitter.)


Sahara Kelly